AMERICAN IDOL TRAVESTY

This will circle back to triathlon, the Iron Kahuna promises. Just stay with him for a sec.

As you probably know, the Iron Kahuna -- the manliest of the male species -- somehow got sucked into being a fan of "American Idol" this year. Now, he hasn't gone so far as to buy the "Where Are the Idols Now?" book published by People magazine, as his training partner and total metrosexual Robo-Stu did (he actually tried to hide the tome when the Kahuna came for a visit). But he did TiVo and watch each episode, fast-forwarding through the boring parts (including the first 55 minutes of each "results" show). And if the Kahuna had any hair, he'd be getting blonde tips to match his BFF Ryan Seacrest.

This season, there was clearly one superstar among the contestants, Melinda Doolittle. She had, by far, the best voice; she mastered a variety of styles; and she had a totally cute personality. The Kahuna also thought she was darling, though she did bear an odd resemblance to Shrek. Melinda was beaten by Jordin, a female singer with about half the talent, and Blake, a way-too-trendy, flash-in-the-pan, one-note goof who will soon be an opening novelty act at county fairs.

So here's where we make the turn back to triathlon. Melinda performed her best. She couldn't control anything else (dumb voters). She went for it and ended up third. Ninety-nine percent of the time, she would have won. How can anyone have regrets when they, as the cliche goes, left it all on the course?